


You're just not my blood type

by Sleepyhollow_101



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce is infuriating, Clark is a good friend, Crack, Dick Grayson is a Good Brother, Gen, Jason Todd Being a Little Shit, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:07:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepyhollow_101/pseuds/Sleepyhollow_101
Summary: Clark discovers that Bruce has a problem. Bruce takes exception to his situation being referred to as a problem. Dick and Jason are patently unhelpful. What else is new?
Relationships: Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 10
Kudos: 142





	You're just not my blood type

**Author's Note:**

> I love vampire AUs and have been reading as many as I can find from you lovely authors on here. I noticed that Batman vampire AUs tend to be very angsty, for obvious reasons, which led me to challenge myself to make a totally angst-less Batman vampire story. This is the result of my best effort - I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Also, the title of this work comes from this t-shirt I totally need: https://www.unique-vintage.com/products/unique-vintage-not-my-blood-type-raglan-unisex-tee

The bats in the Cave usually stay far away from the machines and people that inhabit it.

Well, ‘inhabit’ might actually be the wrong word. They… what? Invaded the cave? Because the bats, after all, are the rightful inhabitants. People? Not so much.

Today, though, the bats are a little bit closer to their intruder than usual, swooping down where he sits in his chair in front of the Batcomputer. A few of them are actually hanging upside down from various machinery and wires like that’s something they _do._ It’s not. It’s most assuredly not, and Clark would know, as he’s been down the Cave a time or two. Or a dozen.

It’s hard to miss the fact that the bats appear to be trying to stay close to Bruce. Bruce is patently pretending not to notice so he can continue his stare-off with Clark, who is standing in full Superman regalia and trying to parse the situation without making his exasperation visible.

Given the snickering from Jason and Dick, who are wisely sticking to the shadows to enjoy the show, he’s failing.

“Okay. Run this by me one more time.”

“Was there something you didn’t understand the first time?”

Clark could feel his eyes heating up so he shut them, quickly. _Killing him would be wrong, killing him would be wrong, killing him would be wrong… but surely throwing him through a wall can’t hurt._ Especially _right now._

“The part about you becoming a… how does that work, exactly? I didn’t think that was even a _thing_!”

Bruce frowns. “Vampires have been ‘a thing’ for at least four centuries, probably more. Also, this conversation is starting to feel a little racist.”

“ _Racist?!_ Vampires are not a _race!_ ”

“Species, then. Is it really better to be speciesist?”

“That isn’t even a word! And I’m not being any sort of ‘ist,’ thank you very much, I would just like to know how it is that you’re standing in front of me telling me that _you are now a vampire._ ”

Bruce sighs like the conversation is frustrating _him_ , of all people, who has precisely _zero_ right to be frustrated by anyone ever _._ “First of all, I’m not standing, I’m sitting. Second of all, I’ve given you as much detail as anyone could possibly want.”

“Ah, yes, because when I walked into the Cave and found you sipping on a cup of blood and inquired politely, as friends may do, your very thorough explanation was, ‘I was hit with a vampiric curse, now please get out of my cave.’ And you think that I should just leave things at that?”

“You _should,_ and yet somehow, you never _do_.”

When Clark was just a kid, he had trouble controlling his powers when seized by strong emotion of any sort. Joy, frustration, anger… there had been years, actually, where anger had been his problem, something that no one other than Bruce would probably believe. Anyway, Pa had taught him something that had always, always helped. He said, “Clark, I want you to stop. Stop everything you’re doing right now, close your eyes, and breathe. You breathin? Good. Now I want you to hit the reset button. It’s somewhere up there in that big brain of yours, you just hit it and reset and start all over. And I’ll tell you a secret: you can do it as many times as you need to ‘til you get it right.”

So, Clark closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and banishes all thoughts of punching Bruce directly in his stupid face. Well, most thoughts – trying to completely forget about your need to punch Bruce Wayne is a fool’s errand. Then he hits the reset button and he tries again.

“Jason,” he says, and can tell Bruce’s eyes are narrowing behind the cowl, “Would you be so kind as to tell me how Bruce became a vampire?”

Jason is the strategic choice. Dick and Bruce’s relationship is getting better, but not so good that Dick is likely to rock the boat. Jason, on the other hand, has a mischievous streak a mile wide and it always, _always_ comes down on Bruce.

“Well…” says Jason as he hops out of the shadows. He’s still in his Robin costume sans domino, and he is _clearly_ enjoying his moment in the spotlight.

“Robin,” growls Bruce, which has precisely the opposite intended effect.

“Bruce pissed off a witch and she cursed him ta be a vampire and he has a fortnight ta reverse the curse otherwise he’ll be stuck like that forever, and he’s mad because she _totally_ did it ta keep him busy while she gets away with her dastardly plans!”

Clark is silent for a beat, watching Robin’s cat-ate-the-canary grin and listening to Dick’s stifled laughter. Then he turns back to Bruce.

“A fortnight, huh?”

Bruce grimaces. “He got into the Victorian gothic romances in the library again.”

“Hey! Just cuz I got a better vocabulary ‘n’ you, doesn’t mean you get ta-”

“Hold on, time out.” Clark probably doesn’t have to make the T with his hands but he does it anyway, for effect. “Let’s back up a bit. How did you piss off a witch?”

Bruce remains silent.

Clark can feel his eyebrow twitching. “Okay, then. Jason, how did Bruce-”

“She was trying to use Gotham’s harbor to summon an Eldritch horror of some sort, and I _politely_ asked her to stop,” says Bruce, exasperation finally bleeding into his voice.

“You told me that using ‘four-letter words’ is impolite, so actually-”

“ _Jason._ ”

“And you don’t know how to reverse this?”

“I have some… ideas, none of which I am… particularly enthused about.”

“Hey, Bruce,” calls Dick, evidently unable to resist the fun any longer, “Tell him the one about the goat’s blood.”

“Is that where he has to ‘ _abstain from the sight of a woman for ten days’_?”

“Yeah, and he has to wear the-”

“Out. Now.”

“Gee, _someone’s_ cranky,” mutters Jason.

“Come on,” says Dick with a few final snickers. “I think it’s time for movie night. I’m thinking _Dracula,_ to start.”

“Not the Keanu Reeves version,” Bruce calls to their retreating forms.

“We’re totally going to watch the Keanu Reeves version,” Clark hears Dick whisper to Jason, in such a low tone that Bruce can’t possibly have heard.

“I heard that,” says Bruce.

“You totally didn’t,” says Clark.

“Didn’t have to.”

“I have more questions.”

Bruce sighs and finally removes the cowl. His face is even paler than normal and his eyes are tinged red, underscored by the dark bags below them. His lips are a vibrant red and his fangs – actual, literal fangs – are poking his bottom lip.

“Fire away.”

“Sunlight?”

“Not sure – I was just turned a few hours ago. According to my research, it’ll probably weaken me and I’ll be more susceptible to sunburns, but I don’t think I’ll burst into flame.”

“Garlic?”

“Jason tested that one immediately. It gives me something like an allergic reaction. Also, Epipens do not work on vampires, in case you’re wondering.”

“Stake through the heart?”

“I’m assuming it can kill me, not willing to test that one out just yet.”

“Holy water?”

“No effect – nor any other religious imagery that we’ve tried. It would appear the designation of vampires as ‘unholy’ is an overstatement, likely brought on by fear and that speciesism we were discussing.”

“The need for blood?”

Bruce pointedly takes a sip from his mug.

“Do I want to know whose blood that is?”

“It’s mine.”

“You are… drinking your own blood.”

“I have a significant storage of my blood in the Cave, for medical purposes. This is a medical purpose.”

“Is it… gross?”

Bruce looks like he’s about to snark, but then gives it up and just shrugs. “It feels natural. A little strange to be drinking it cold and not… from the source.”

“Can you control wolves?”

Bruce’s eyebrow quirks.

“We _were_ just talking about Dracula.”

“I haven’t tried. Although, there could be some strategic value in that if I could-”

“Why does it sound like you’re contemplating _staying_ a vampire?”

“It comes with certain advantages. I’m stronger now, and faster, and I have gained the ability to mesmerize people. Not for long periods of time, and it won’t work on anyone who has developed mental shielding, meaning I can’t use it to convince Jason to go to bed on time, but I could still use it for-”

“You are _not_ staying a vampire! What about the… I mean, there’s disadvantages, too!”

“I hardly go out in the daytime even as Bruce Wayne, so that’s not such a deterrent. I can still see my reflection as long as the mirror isn’t silver-backed. I can toss my silver jewelry, it’s not like I need a thousand pairs of cufflinks anyway…”

“What about garlic? Are you really going to give up Italian food for the rest of your life?”

Bruce is quiet at that for a few moments. “Damn it,” he sighs. “I have to fix this.”

“You think?”

“But first, I need to test my reaction to synthetic blood. I think I’ve discovered what it is about blood that sates a vampire’s thirst, and if I can recreate it artificially, I can come up with a substitute that can feed the vampire community. No need to hunt animals or try to find willing donors or worse, for those who are less inclined to control their urges. They’ve been working on it for a few years, but they’re still decades away from a real answer.”

“And you know all this about the vampire community _how_?”

“Internet.”

“Fine. Okay, fine. How about this. Let’s cure you first. Then let’s find this witch. After that, you can solve vampirism or whatever it is you’re going to do.”

“See, the fact that you see vampirism as a problem to be solved or a disease to be cured is exactly the attitude that-”

“Out of curiosity, if I punched you right now, would your vampiric powers enable you to survive it?”

“If I say no, what’s the over-under on you doing it anyway?”

“Jury’s still out.”

“Come on,” Bruce sighs, grimly resigned as he pulls the cowl back on. “Let’s go find some goat’s blood.”


End file.
